New York Times, April 14, 2016
America Celebrates Tax Day
Government Press (GP) – As Tax Day approaches, President Obama and Vice President Jarrett remind the 45% of the nation that pays income taxes of their patriotic duty to contribute their fair share, and the severe penalties for not doing so. In celebration, children from Barack Obama Elementary, Barack H. Obama Middle School, and BHO HS will entertain the first family with the patriotic song, “Mmm, Mmm, Mmm”. Commerce Secretary Van Jones issued a press release Friday night that another “enhancement” to the VAT will be initiated this month, producing a rise from 40% to 52% on all purchased goods. This enhancement, along with the rising Unhealthy Foods Tax will inflate the price of a McDonald’s Big Mac to $159.95. The President reminds us that he has not increased the federal income tax “one dime” since last year.
“New Normal” Adjustments Made
Washington, DC – The Obama Administration today released the latest adjustments to their “new normal” assessment of the US economy. Starting next week, national rolling blackouts will increase to three hours per day. Energy Secretary Jeffrey Immelt is reassuring citizens and businesses that the GE “Smart Grid” should be able to hold up at current levels despite chronic energy shortages and the latest EMP bomb attacks from Iran.
Food production on government farms has slowed due to steadily increasing EPA and FDA regulations. Waiting lines for bread, milk, eggs and other staples will start at 6 am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Meat rations will be issued on Tuesdays. In more upbeat news, increased gasoline production at the nation’s remaining refinery will result in doubling the number of lines available at the pumps on gas ration Thursdays and Saturdays.
Surrounded by an atmosphere of fanfare and celebration, Labor Secretary Andy Stern announced under the new reporting guidelines that employment in the private sector rose from 36 to 37 percent this month, while public sector employment remains at 100 percent. Well done, Andy!
Climate Scientists’ Dire Predictions Proven Correct
United Nations - After decades of fighting with uninformed climate change deniers, the world’s foremost climate scientists have finally compiled unequivocal evidence to prove their climate change hypothesis, initially established in 1974. Ever since the spring of 2010, arctic ice has been increasing at an alarming rate. Now that many people regularly ride the bus from Seattle, WA to Vladivostok, Russia, it is painfully obvious that we are entering the next Ice Age. “Saving our planet from this anthropogenic disaster will require funneling trillions of US tax dollars into a new global governmental authority”, said Nobel Prize winner Al Gore. “The narrative hasn’t changed, only the facts.”
Just A Reminder: The “Card Check” Employee Free Choice Act legislation signed by President Obama includes an amendment extending this “Free Choice” to all American voters. Be aware that helpful community organizers will be at the polls this November to check your ballot for correctness.
Government Press (GP) – Former NY Times columnist, now Secretary of Media and Journalism Paul Krugman stated back in 2010 that “People on the right, they're simultaneously screaming, 'They're going to send all the old people to death panels,' and 'It's not going to save any money’”. As we all know now, he was absolutely right. Sending the old people to death panels has saved a great deal of money for the federal government. Social Security and Medicare programs are completely solvent now that senior citizens make up less than 10% of the total population.
President Obama’s great gift to the nation, the ever-evolving and growing universal healthcare system has resulted in many economic developments. The booming “medical tourism” industry has flourished, reviving the economies of Mexico and Costa Rica. The entire country of India has now been classified as a customer service center by the US Department of Health and Human Services. Career opportunities for RNs and hospital orderlies to diagnose illnesses and perform invasive surgical procedures have skyrocketed thanks to the critical doctor shortage. Impact on the overall US economy remains unclear, although Treasury Secretary Monica Conyers recently announced that the deficit figures will henceforth be reported in “quadrillions”.
Troops Retake Occupied City
Houston, TX - American troops valiantly battled the Juárez Cartel to retake El Paso yesterday. Similar military campaigns were conducted against cartels occupying San Diego, Chicago, and Des Moines this past week, with less successful results. Captured cartel members will not be tried as “enemy combatants” as they have been in the US for more than 30 days, making them US citizens under the recently passed McCain-Franken bill.
In an unrelated story, Rush Limbaugh, operating from a pirate radio station on an offshore vessel, was arrested, stripped of his citizenship and declared an “enemy combatant”. He was charged with the hate crime of calling Democrats “liars”.
College Republicans at Hood College Threatened Over Conservative Display - The school wants it taken down.
16 minutes ago